I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
