I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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