the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
