I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
