I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
