Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
