all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Boobs speak an international language.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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