His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My feet surprised me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
