yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
