I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
