i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
