I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
