i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
