I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
why does every cop we meet know your name?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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