sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
