I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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