my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
