in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
