You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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