and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
