Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
