did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
