I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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