i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
