Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
