is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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