Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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