She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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