This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
