gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
