his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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