we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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