I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
