I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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