I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
