We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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