Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
ttyl tear gas
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
