everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
