Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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