I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
