I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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