did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
