I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
