im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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