i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
