i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
