Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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