no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
