How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
