cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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