if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
