Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
