I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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