I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
