The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
